New Zodiacal Signs Explain France Early Exit in South Africa 2010

Last week, the Astrological community was turned on its head when reports announced that the Zodiac signs we all have come to know and love (and use as cheesy pickup lines) have shifted about a month.  As a member of this community, former French national team coach Raymond Domenech has had a life-altering moment.

Domenech, an amateur astrologer, observed Zodiacal charts and tendencies before selecting his squad.  In addition to astrology, Ray Ray also dabbles in Tarrot cards, theatrical behaviour (drama) and craziness.  His solution to France's early exit from Euro 2008 was to ask his girlfriend to marry him on national television.  

Heavily documented and mocked during the buildup to South Africa 2010, Domenech had gone on record more than once concerning his consultation of the Zodiac when selecting his squad stating, "all parameters have to be considered and I have added one by saying there is astrology involved".  

Under Miss Cleo's tutelage, Domenech came to single out Leos in the defense and all Scorpios.  The only problem is, he was basing his knowledge on facts established by the Babylonians about 3,000 years ago.  

Let's take a look at what I mean...

Ray Ray believed that Leos made for bad backs.  The man actually said, "When I have got a Leo in defence, I've always got my gun ready. I know he's going to want to show off at one moment or another and cost us".  France's backs and their Zodiacal signs whilst in South Africa were William Gallas (Leo!), Bacary Sagna (Aquarius), Patrice Evra (Taurus) and Eric Abidal (Virgo).  Against Uruguay and Mexico, France was aligned in a 4-2-3-1 formation (also used by Spain and Germany).  Gallas and Abidal played as center backs with Evra and Sagna on the flanks.  

Despite his distaste for Leos in the defense, Gallas was allegedly Domenech's best option at the time.  (We won't even begin to discuss his blindness towards youth.)  That made 1/4 of the French defense susceptible to lapse in judgement, not bad odds when you consider the gambler.  Unfortunately for the coach, he forgot to take planetary axis shifting into account.

If we look at the French back line, keeping in mind the astrological recalculation , we will see that Domenech never would have committed such a grave mistake.  Gallas and Evra retain their original statuses as Leo and Taurus, respectively.  And while Sagna harmlessly changes from an Aquarius to a Capricorn, center back Eric Abidal twistedly reveals that he was a Leo all along!

Hath the gods cast away their people?!?!  How could they have played such a deplorable trick upon Raymond?  With 1/2 of France's back line bearing the Leo burden, it is no wonder the two men in the center of the pitch played so poorly.

Can France's futility in the back truly be blamed on the Leos?  Just take a look for yourself.  Surely it cannot be chalked up to the fact that one man is a dinosaur and the other not a natural center half.

Finally.  An explanation for Les Blues atrocious performance this summer.  Domenech must have been racking his brain, wondering where it all went wrong.  In his rigorous rehashing of the events leading up to South Africa, I assure you, he never considered Astrology to be his downfall.

Perhaps Domenech's distaste for Scorpios deprived the squad of the creative spark they were lacking.  His Zodiacal whims have most adversely affected Robert Pires, the one-time Arsenal winger who was omitted from Germany 2006.  

According to the new Zodiac, Pires is a Virgo.